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Intimacy Expert  


Intimacy Expert Q&A's
Name: Abigail

I have been married for 8 years and have never had an orgasm with my husband. We were both virgins when we married at age 32, and I suspect we have a lot to learn yet. What advice can you give me?

Dear Abigail,
Women's sexual response (including orgasm) isn't a simple push button reflexive process. It's complex and mutidetermined. There are a network of mind body relationship factors that interact to produce peak pleasure and "climax". There are physical factors: drugs, alcohol, certain diseases, and malformations of the clitoris or vaginal vestibule. There are also hormonal imbalances (such as very low levels of testosterone) that reduce arousal. In my practice, the physical causes of difficulty with orasm are less frequent than what occurs in the woman's (and the partner's) mind. My research shows that the ability to be deeply immersed in a moment of pleasure is one of the key factors that leads to orgasm. Anything that increases tension, negative mood, shame or guilt, anxiety and preoccupations with climaxing will reduce the ability to go with the flow of passion.
You're correct when you refer to the "learning" that is part of great sex. Good sex isn't something that many people are born with...there is much to be learned. I suggest you get a copy of my first book (may be able to find one on titled: Ordinary Women, Extraordinary Sex (Penguin) and read about the quality I call "absorption" -- the capacity to lose yourself in a moment of pleasure. The best part of all is that practicing is fun!!

Dr. Sandy Scantling
Author of Extraordinary Sex Now.
Visit Dr. Sandy's Web site at:

Information provided by Dr. Scantling is general in nature and should not be construed as a substitute for a visit to and examination by your own personal physician.
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