Everything Happens For A Reason "Menopause isn't just about hot flashes,
night sweats, anxiety and the myriad of
symptoms that accompany this rite of passage.
Menopause doesn't happen in a vacuum.
Everything in our lives . . .
physically, emotionally and spiritually --
is connected and impacted by menopause. It's a time
for regrouping, accepting, gaining understanding
and coping mechanisms through the difficult times. . .
of knowing who we were, who we are and who we aspire to be."
-- Dearest
Join
MIRA KIRSHENBAUM
Mira says, "I talked to people who had discovered on their own some deeper reason
for some event in their lives. When I analyzed all the reasons people
found for why things happen to us, I discovered that there were
actually only ten reasons:
* to help you feel at home in the world
* to help you totally accept yourself
* to show you that you can let go of fear
* to bring you to the place where you can feel forgiveness
* to help you uncover your true hidden talent
* to give you what you need to find true love
* to help you become stronger
* to help you discover the play in life
* to show you how to live with a sense of mission
* to help you become a truly good person"
Mira Kirshenbaum,
Psychotherapist, Researcher, Author for nearly 30 years discusses
FINDING THE TRUE MEANING OF THE EVENTS IN OUR LIVES
in Everything Happens For A Reason
"Women who've struggled in one way or
another with menopause have a tremendous need
for emotional energy."
Mira is the internationally bestselling, prize-winning author or co-author of eleven
books. Her books are available in over fifteen languages. They are all based on presenting
the best solutions people have found to the problems many of us struggle with.
Her books range from Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay to The Emotional Energy Factor
(both were two-time finalists in the Psychology category for the National Books for
A Better Life Award). Mira has appeared on the Today Show, has been featured on
a 20/20 Prime-Time Special, and has been taped at her home for an appearance on the
Oprah Show.
I hope this book will have an impact on your life, but I know that it
has completely changed my life.
When I started actively doing the research on which this book is based
I didn't believe in God. I'd been very religious until I became a
teenager, and then suddenly I lost whatever it was that made it
possible for me to have faith. You hear about people who wake up one
morning and find they've lost their sense of taste. I lost my sense of
God. And it was gone for most of my adult life.
I can't really say how it happened that I've completely regained my
faith in God, my utter sense that He is real and always with me. All I
know is this: I heard story after story of people who'd gone through
something incredibly difficult and then almost miraculously discovered
real meaning in what they'd gone through. And somehow in the process
of hearing how life is filled with meaning I became filled with the
presence of God.
Don't misunderstand me. This is not a book about God. It's a book
about people and their search for meaning. You don't need to believe
in God to believe that there's meaning in the events of your life.
Plenty of the people you'll meet in these pages who discovered the
reason they went through something are not believers. And that's fine.
But this is a book about how everything can change for the better when
you see that all of the events of your life have meaning and value.
Things will probably change for you in a way that's different from the
way they changed for me. The point is that there are things we
desperately need if we're going to take the next steps in our life,
and somehow discovering how everything has meaning gives us just what
we need to take those steps.
All I can promise you is that by the end of this book you'll have
found the meaning of the events of your life. But I'm sure this
knowledge will have a profound effect on you and on how you live. I
hope you will visit me at www.EverythingHappensForAReason.org and let
me know about it. I look forward to hearing from you.
Part 1 Why Everything Happens
Everything Really Does Happen for a Reason
Is it really true that everything happens for a reason? After all,
that's an amazing thing to saythat no matter what happens to you, not
only does something valuable come out of it but it's just what you
need.
Amazing as it sounds, it is true. It's taken me a long time, but now
see that even in the worst disaster --and I've had my share -- there
are wonderful gifts, hidden opportunities, or life enhancing lessons.
And we couldn't have gotten them any other way. If someone as
hardheaded as I am can come to understand this, anyone can.
Of course, sometimes it's easy for us to believe that everything
happens for a reason. We see it in little ways, like when our plans
for an evening out fall through at the last minute, and we discover
that everything we really want is at home that night anyway.
And sometimes we see it in not-so-little ways. A woman I know wrenched
her back and had to spend a month in bed. She felt this was the last
thing she needed in her life, particularly since it happened at a time
when she had to make some important decisions. And then it hit her --
this was exactly what she needed. Her old habit had been to rush
impetuously into a new decision without thinking it through. Now it
was as if life were saying, "If you won't give yourself time to think,
I will."
We very much want to believe that the things that happen to us have
great meaning. It's the way we feel life should be. Yes, some days we
feel our life's a soap opera. But we want "we need" to have the sense
that there's a purpose and value to it all. And we're right.
I want to reassure you: When you discover the true meaning of the
events in your life, everything changes.
You feel stronger because your sense that everything has meaning gives
you great confidence.
You feel wiser because you see how everything connects.
You're more in touch with who you are because you know that you're
living the life you were meant to lead.
And you're happier because you're able to put your loss behind you and
have a sense of a future filled with good things.
Until you get to this place, nothing is going to feel right. Let's say
you're outdoors and you suddenly feel a drop of moisture fall on your
head. You're not going to be able to think of anything else until you
figure out why that happened. Is water dripping from some air
conditioner up high? Is it starting to rain? Is a flying monkey peeing
on your head? You have to know why that drop of moisture fell on your
head because you can't feel safe going forward until you do.
We need to know why much more when what fell on our heads is a
catastrophe. If you can't make sense of the catastrophe, it's as if
your life is mere dice on a crap table --if nothing has any meaning,
everything's random, anything can happen.
It's painful to live not knowing why you got so sick that time or why
you lost the love of your life-- much more painful than people
suspect. One woman I know was flying home for Thanksgiving when she
was in college. As the plane was flying along twenty thousand feet in
the air, she developed a terrible earache. But that's not what made
her cry. In the dark of a nighttime flight she was sobbing because
there was pain like this in the world, seemingly without any rhyme or
reason.
One guy described this feeling differently: "When I think about the
bad stuff that's happened in my life, I feel I'm just a goddamn fool
of the cosmos. It's humiliating! On a sidewalk crowded with people,
I'm the one who's stepped in the dog poop. No one else is as stupid or
unlucky as I am. The problem is: How can I go forward, how can I trust
the future if I feel I am this stupid unlucky guy?"
Knowing that there's a reason for what happens also saves us from
being filled with blame. Blame is a very human attempt to make sense
of some catastrophe, but most of the time we hate the way it feels.
And yet when something bad happens to us, it's almost a reflex to
think, It's because everyone hates me, because I'm a loser, because
I'm doomed. And so the blame begins.
We blame other people, and then we end up with the sense that the
world is full of bad people. We blame ourselves, and then instead of
feeling healthy, strong, and whole we see ourselves as sick, weak, and
broken. And we blame life itself. What could be more demoralizing than
feeling condemned to having bad things always happen to us and not
being able to do anything about it?
Blame is like a boomerang that loops around and bonks us on the
noggin. Try this yourself: If you see someone struggling with sadness,
anxiety, and negativity, listen to his story. You'll soon see he's
living in a world where all he sees are things to blame because he
lives without positive meanings for what's happened to him. The only
cure is to restore the sense that there is a good reason for
everything that happens.
Explain That, Why Don't You?
Years ago, if you'd said to me, "Every thing happens for a reason,"
I'd have said that was a lot of bull. Things happened in my life that
were so painful it's no wonder I'd had trouble finding their meaning,
and I gave up looking. I now know that was a big mistake.
Lots of things happen to us that challenge our sense that everything
happens for a reason. It can be anything. You get seriously ill at the
worst possible moment. You think you've found the love of your life
but something goes haywire between you and now the two of you are
over. You've had one of those really painful childhoods. You screw up
and lose a lot of money. Someone you love dies.
Yeah, we think, maybe there's a meaning for some things that happen,
but not for this.
And even if we still have a shred of faith left that there is meaning
in these events, we don't know how to find it. After all, the events
in our lives don't come to us with labels attached telling us what
they mean. We can spend years searching in vain. We ask friends, but
they haven't gone through what we have. We ask someone who has gone
through something similar, but that person is probably struggling to
find meaning, too.
At some point we might be tempted to give up the search. That's what
happened to me. It took one of my patients to wake me up and give me
the hope that we can discover the meaning of the events in our lives.
Everything important I've learned about how to do my job I've learned
from my patients. Scott* was one of my best "teachers."
The Message in the Bottle
We all have dreams of what we'd like to do with our lives. When Scott
first came to see me many years ago he was dreaming about going back
to school and becoming a landscape designer. But he was afraid to give
up his well-paying job. As you can imagine, addressing underlying
issues of anxiety, low self-esteem, and identity played an important
role in our work together. Soon, though, our work was all about
helping him get what he needed to make his dream come true. He
ultimately completed a two-year program at an excellent school and
eventually opened his own little landscape-design business. He felt
fulfilled.
Several years later Scott came back to work with me. Sadly, he had
non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, and he thought he was dying. (Scott's cancer
eventually went into remission. He's still okay.) He said he wanted to
discover why this terrible disease had happened to him just when his
life was starting to work out. "Isn't this really a theological
question?" I asked Scott. Truthfully, I didn't want to deal with a
question like this. My attitude at that time was that you could never
find an answer. And anyway, the most important thing is to make the
best use of the time you have remaining. Why ask why?
But Scott, bless him, held onto his need. He was about to teach me an
important lesson about how helping people is ultimately about helping
them find meaning. After I'd dismissed his question Scott looked at me
with tears in his eyes as if I'd betrayed him and said, "You don't
understand. I don't want to die feeling like I was just some squirrel
that got run over on the highway of life-- hey, man, bad luck. I know
that I'm not just a victim of a game of chance. I can't believe that I
live in a universe where the things that happen to us don't have any
meaning. There is some meaning in this, a message in a bottle for me.
The message feels just out of reach, but it's very important to me.
Help me get that message."
Somehow that got through to me. I remembered how much I, too, had
wanted to get that message back when I was a kid. (In a few moments
I'll tell you about all the things that had happened to me and my
family that left me hungry to find some kind of meaning and how
discouraged I got when I didn't think I could find any.) Looking in
Scott's eyes, I lost my sense of being pissed off at the universe
because the things that happen to us don't come neatly labeled with
their true meanings. Scott's need reawakened my own and all the hopes
that came with it. I'd thought my need for meaning was dead. I'd acted
as if it were dead. But the utter genuineness and validity of Scott's
need made me realize that my own need for meaning had never died.
Suddenly I felt a whole new connection to Scott, to my younger self,
and to a world of people who were hungry to feel that what happens to
them has meaning.
There was just one problem: How in the world could I help Scott
discover why he'd gotten sick and might die if I couldn't help myself?
I found myself terribly moved as I told him that I saw how this
situation should have meaning and then confessed that I didn't know
how to help him find that meaning. I felt I'd failed him. And I felt
terrible about it. But I made a promise to myself that I would learn
how to help people find the true meanings of the events in their
lives.
Scott called several months later. He obviously wasn't as disappointed
in me as I was in myself. I guess we all know how tough this search
is. He had a note of triumph in his voice.
"I know why I got sick!" he said. "Look at where I was in my life. I'd
made a lot of progress, but I was still frightened of so many things--
flying, confrontations, bad news, you name it. Here's the gift getting
sick gave me. Every day I'm learning not to be afraid, big-time. Death
is the big confrontation. Once you face death, how can you be afraid
of, like, someone rejecting you? You know, it's true: Cowards die a
thousand deaths, heroes die but once. I'd rather live a short life
without fear than the living death of a long life filled with fear.
"And I wouldn't have discovered any of this if l hadn't gotten sick. I
don't know how much time I have left to live, but in the time I have
left I'm feeling more alive and less afraid than I ever did before."
Everyone who survives something feels they have a new lease on life.
But Scott felt he had a new lease on life even when he thought he was
dying. Understanding that there was meaning in what was happening to
him, discovering what that meaning was, made all the difference for
him.
It made all the difference for me, too.
*This book is filled with stories of real people, some from my
research, some from groups I ran, some from patients. I promised
complete privacy to everyone, the only way to ensure that they and
everyone I talk to in the future would fully open up. So I've changed
all names and identifying details. But I've honored the essence of
everyone's story, the truth of their lives, and the core of what they
have to teach us.
Is it really true that everything happens for a reason? After all,
that's an amazing thing to say-that no matter what happens to you, not
only does something valuable come out of it but it's just what you
were needing.
Amazing as it is, it is true. It's taken me a long time, but I now
see, based on new research, that even in the worst disaster, and I've
had my share, there are wonderful gifts, hidden opportunities, or
life-enhancing lessons that we've needed to learn. And we couldn't
have learned them any other way.
A woman I know threw her back out and had to spend a month in bed. She
felt that this was the last thing she needed in her life, particularly
since this was a time when she had to make some important decisions.
And then it hit her-this was exactly what she needed. Her old habit
had been to rush impetuously into a new decision without thinking it
through. Now it was as if life were saying, "If you won't give
yourself time to think, I'll give you time to think."
The truth is that we very much want to believe that the things that
happen to us have great meaning. It's the way we feel life should be.
And you need to get to this place, because if you don't, nothing is
going to feel right. Let's say you're outdoors and you suddenly feel a
drop of moisture fall on your head. You're not going to be able to
think of anything else until you figure out why that happened. Is
water dripping from some air conditioner high up? Is it starting to
rain? Is a flying monkey peeing on your head? You have to know why
because you can't feel safe going forward until you figure out why.
And that's just for a drop of moisture.
How much more we need to know why when what fell on our heads is a
catastrophe. Then if you can't make sense of the catastrophe, it's
like your life were mere dice on a crap table-if nothing has any
meaning, anything can happen.
It's painful to live not knowing why you got sick or why you lost the
love of your life, much more painful than people suspect. One guy
said, "When I think about the bad stuff that's happened to me, I feel
I'm just a goddamn fool of the cosmos. It's humiliating! On a sidewalk
crowded with people, I'm the one who's stepped in the dog poop. No one
else is as stupid or unlucky as I am. The problem is-how can I go
forward, how can I trust the future if I feel I'm just this stupid
unlucky guy?"
I talked to people who had discovered on their own some deeper reason
for some event in their lives. When I analyzed all the reasons people
found for why things happen to us, I discovered that there were
actually only ten reasons:
* to help you feel at home in the world
* to help you totally accept yourself
* to show you that you can let go of fear
* to bring you to the place where you can feel forgiveness
* to help you uncover your true hidden talent
* to give you what you need to find true love
* to help you become stronger
* to help you discover the play in life
* to show you how to live with a sense of mission
* to help you become a truly good person
Here's how to think of the ten reasons. Imagine that your life is a
long, difficult journey. At some point you start running short of what
you need. As you struggle on, you suddenly fall into a hole and hurt
yourself. Ouch!
But it turns out that it's not all negative. On the contrary. If only
you look, you'll find that right there in that hole is something
you've desperately needed to complete your journey successfully. And
you wouldn't have found it if you hadn't fallen in that hole. As time
goes on, you may be able to say that the fall was worth the discovery.
Understanding the true meaning of the events of your life is more
important than you might ever have imagined. How so? I discovered that
there's one basic principle underlying the ten reasons: The good that
comes out of the bad things that happen to you is to help you become
your best, most authentic self.
Each of the ten reasons is a different way of helping you become your
best self. And your reason is the specific resource you need to do a
better job leading the life you were meant to lead as the person you
were meant to be.
Things happen in your life to help you get rid of the parts of
yourself that aren't you. To help you be more real and more yourself
in your life, not like everyone else. To help you lead a more
authentic life. And ultimately to help you discover who you really
are.
Things often happen to us in life that take us away from who we really
are. And the further we drift, the more likely it is that it's going
to take some final loss or difficulty to shove in our faces the fact
that we don't even know who we are anymore. This helps us wake up so
we can once again rediscover our true selves.
Here's a story I heard from the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan
Williams.
Rabbi Yehuda was the holiest man of his age. One night he dreamt that
he had died and was brought before the throne of heaven. And the angel
who stands before the throne said to him, "Who are you?" "I am Rabbi
Yehuda of Prague," he replied. "Tell me, my lord, if my name is
written in the book of all who will share in the kingdom of heaven."
"Wait," said the angel. "I shall read the names of all who died today
that are written in the book." And he read aloud the names, thousands
of them. As the angel read, Rabbi Yehuda saw fly into heaven the
spirits of all those whose names had been called.
At last the angel finished reading, and Rabbi Yehuda's name had not
been called. He wept bitterly.
The angel said, "But I have called your name."
Rabbi Yehuda said, "I did not hear it."
And the angel said, "In the book are written the names of all the
people who have ever lived, for every soul is an inheritor of the
kingdom of heaven. But many come here who have never heard their true
names on the lips of man or angel. They have lived believing that they
know who they really are, but they don't know. And so when they're
called to heaven by their names as who they really are, they don't
recognize themselves. They don't realize that it's for them that the
gates of heaven are opened. So they must wait until they know their
true selves and so recognize their true names."
At this Rabbi Yehuda woke and, rising from his bed with tears, he lay
prostrate on the ground and prayed, "Master of the Universe! Grant me
once before I die to hear my own true name as who I really am."
Many more of us are like Rabbi Yehuda than we might think. On the
surface we have complete identities-names, degrees, professions, job
titles, affiliations. Then some cruel-seeming event comes along and is
actually kinder than we might think. It wakes us up to the fact that
we've not known our true selves. And at the same time it teaches us
some lesson-one of the ten reasons for the events of our lives-that
makes it possible for us to finally become who we really are.
The Power Surge Newsletter
disclaims any representation for the accuracy or completeness of information
contained herein. The sharing of information herein is not indicative of
Power Surge's personal endorsement of same. It is purely for informational
purposes. Health matters should be taken up with one's personal physician.
Nothing in the Power Surge Newsletters, chats, message base, bulletin
boards is intended as a substitute for professional medical advice. Opinions expressed are Dearest's and the authors who contribute to Power Surge and don't reflect the opinions of America Online.
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Dearest
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