The Breaking Point: How Female Midlife Crisis Is Transforming
Today's Women. -- With SUE SHELLENBARGER
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Sue Shellenbarger, is the creator and writer of the The Wall Street Journal's "Work & Family" column. Shellenbarger has been writing or editing for The Wall Street Journal in various capacities for 25 years and also hosted a syndicated national "Work & Family" talk radio show on The Wall Street Journal Radio Network for two years. Her column has been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize and has received six major national awards.
Her new book, The Breaking Point: How Female Midlife Crisis Is Transforming Today's Women. Long stereotyped as the province of men, today the midlife crisis is reported with greater frequency by women than men. Though the female midlife crisis travels many courses, Sue Shellenbarger found that most women's angst is propelled primarily by one powerful, repressed passion -- a part of oneself that begs for expression and reintegration. These archetypal drives -- Shellenbarger labels them the Lover, the Leader, the Adventurer, the Artist, the Seeker, and the Gardener -- reflect our core human capabilities to love, to create, and to learn.
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The Breaking Point:
How Female Midlife Crisis is Transforming Today's Women
By Sue Shellenbarger
Published by Henry Holt
A generation of women have:
Come home from work to start the second shift . . .
Bought into and rejected the beauty myth . . .
Now they've reached The Breaking Point.
When Sue Shellenbarger wrote about her midlife crisis in her award-winning Wall Street Journal " Work & Family") column, the volume and emotional intensity of the responses from readers was stunning. As she heard story after store of middle-aged women radically changing course in search of greater fulfillment, a trend began to emerge: an entire generation of women was experiencing the tumultuous transition of midlife in ways not seen before. When she began to back up these anecdotal experiences with her own research, she realized she was looking at nothing less than a cultural phenomenon.
Long stereotyped as the province of men, today the midlife crisis is reported with greater frequency by women than men. Emboldened by the financial independence to act upon midlife desires, exhausted by decades of playing supermom and repressing the feminine side of themselves to succeed at work, women are shedding the age of roles of the past in favor of new pursuits in adventure, sports, sex, romance, education, and spirituality. And in the process they are rewriting all the rules: the rate of extramarital affairs among women is nearly equal to that of men, and divorce rates among middle-aged women are on the rise. Women's inflation-adjusted earnings have risen 17 percent in the last fifteen years, while men's have fallen. Part-time enrollment in college by midlife women has grown at nearly twice the overall rate in the past decade.
Though the female midlife crisis travels many courses, Shellenbarger found that most women's angst is propelled primarily by one powerful, repressed passion -- a part of oneself that begs for expression and reintegration. These archetypal drives -- Shellenbarger labels them the Lover, the Leader, the Adventurer, the Artist, the Seeker, and the Gardener -- reflect our core human capabilities to love, to create, and to learn. Equally important are themodes or common paths women travel as their midlife crises unfold; and these, too, fall into distinct categories: from the Sonic Boom, which erupts with overwhelming force, to the Slow Burn, which triggers a hesitant, more socially acceptable response that minimizes the damage to others but can also risk limiting the full expression of a woman's midlife potential. If handled poorly, this turbulent time may result in ruined relationships and destroyed families, jettisoned careers, and abandoned goals. Shellenbarger demonstrates, however, that successfully navigating this transition period can lead to personal growth, increased satisfaction, and greater self-discipline.
Once every decade or so a book comes along that captures and names the collective experience of an entire generation. Provocative, insightful, and resonant, The Breaking Point will reassure millions of women in midlife suddenly overpowered by yearnings for joy and meaning that their experience is an ordinary and widespread one -- and reassure them that there are constructive, fulfilling ways to journey through this time of personal evolution.
When Sue Shellenbarger wrote about her midlife crisis in her award-winning Wall Street Journal " Work & Family") column, the volume and emotional intensity of the responses from readers was stunning. As she heard story after store of middle-aged women radically changing course in search of greater fulfillment, a trend began to emerge: an entire generation of women was experiencing the tumultuous transition of midlife in ways not seen before.
When she began to back up these anecdotal experiences with her own research, she realized she was looking at nothing less than a cultural phenomenon. Long stereotyped as the province of men, today the midlife crisis is reported with greater frequency by women than men. Emboldened by the financial independence to act upon midlife desires, exhausted by decades of playing supermom and repressing the feminine side of themselves to succeed at work, women are shedding the age of roles of the past in favor of new pursuits in adventure, sports, sex, romance, education, and spirituality. And in the process they are rewriting all the rules: the rate of extramarital affairs among women is nearly equal to that of men, and divorce rates among middle-aged women are on the rise.
Women's inflation-adjusted earnings have risen 17 percent in the last fifteen years, while men's have fallen. Part-time enrollment in college by midlife women has grown at nearly twice the overall rate in the past decade. Though the female midlife crisis travels many courses, Shellenbarger found that most women's angst is propelled primarily by one powerful, repressed passion -- a part of oneself that begs for expression and reintegration. These archetypal drives -- Shellenbarger labels them the Lover, the Leader, the Adventurer, the Artist, the Seeker, and the Gardener -- reflect our core human capabilities to love, to create, and to learn.
Equally important are themodes or common paths women travel as their midlife crises unfold; and these, too, fall into distinct categories: from the Sonic Boom, which erupts with overwhelming force, to the Slow Burn, which triggers a hesitant, more socially acceptable response that minimizes the damage to others but can also risk limiting the full expression of a woman's midlife potential. If handled poorly, this turbulent time may result in ruined relationships and destroyed families, jettisoned careers, and abandoned goals. Shellenbarger demonstrates, however, that successfully navigating this transition period can lead to personal growth, increased satisfaction, and greater self-discipline.
Once every decade or so a book comes along that captures and names the collective experience of an entire generation. Provocative, insightful, and resonant, The Breaking Point will reassure millions of women in midlife suddenly overpowered by yearnings for joy and meaning that their experience is an ordinary and widespread one -- and reassure them that there are constructive, fulfilling ways to journey through this time of personal evolution.
The following is an excerpt from the book The Breaking Point by Sue Shellenbarger
Published by Henry Holt
"Long stereotyped as the province of men, today the midlife crisis is reported with greater frequency by women than men. Though the female midlife crisis travels many courses, WallStreet Journal Work-Life columnist Sue Shellenbarger found that most women's angst is propelled primarily by one powerful, repressed passion -- a part of oneself that begs for expression and reintegration. These archetypal drives -- Shellenbarger labels them the Lover, the Leader, the Adventurer, the Artist, the Seeker, and the Gardener -- reflect our core human capabilities to love, to create, and to learn." Sue Shellenbarger
The Archetypes of Midlife Crisis
The Adventurer. Many women seek the catharsis of physical adventure or bold travel at midlife. In endeavors ranging from skydiving to hiking in the Andes, the woman in the Adventurer role strives to conquer her fears and transcend old limits. She plunges into extreme physical effort or into the detachment and freedom of travel, escaping anxieties and compulsions and probing her own personal limits. The Adventurer enlarges her world, encourages risk taking, and vanquishes fear.
The Lover. Many women seek a soul mate at midlife -- a lover who promises a chance of attaining complete psychological intimacy. This archetype bears the hope, the seeking, and the building of a life partnership to fulfill that desire. It motivates some women to work on their existing marriages, to draw closer to their partners. Others find a new partner who seems to promise unprecedented intimacy. Women drawn to the Lover role sometimes enter a series of relationships at midlife, each one healthier and more fulfilling than the last. The Lover also sparks formation of more intimate friendships at midlife, affording women the freedom to be spontaneously, unabashedly themselves.
The Leader. Many women seek to make their mark on the world at midlife. They want to get past others' rules and their own people-pleasing behavior to create something new and uniquely their own. The Leader longs to influence others. These are the women who start businesses or political or charity movements at midlife. Some quit repressive jobs to escape leaders they no longer respect. The Leader seizes the opportunity to leave a meaningful legacy.
The Artist. The Artist organizes her life around self-expression, usually in art. She sets aside other pursuits to give number-one priority to her drama, music, writing, sculpture, painting, filmmaking, or acting. To support herself, she may become a teacher of art or take a second job. But there is no question that making her art, and living out her life as an artist, occupy center stage. Her primary joy arises from growing in creativity, manifesting her vision, and uplifting or stimulating others with her work.
The Gardener. Like the hero in Voltaire's classic eighteenth-century novel, Candide, the Gardener has traveled the world, discovered much evil, and come to a time of discouragement and disillusionment. At midlife, she concludes that the best path to wisdom lies in tending her own garden, a metaphor for the immediate world within her control. The Gardener focuses deeply on the elements of the life she already has and moves to expand and strengthen them. She strives to make the most of home, family, friends, community, and existing pursuits. She looks within herself to find meaning and new realms of discovery. Above all, this archetype helps a woman learn to cherish and live deeply in the moment.
The Seeker. This archetype motivates a woman to begin her midlife search where other women end theirs: searching for a spiritual path. Regardless of her religious affiliation or background, the Seeker ascribes central importance to finding a set of spiritual beliefs and practices that afford her meaning and serenity. She may spend a great deal of time trying out various religious traditions and teachings before settling on a particular set of beliefs. Some women get deeply involved in an established church. Others hew to nontraditional spiritual disciplines, attending seminars or practicing meditation. Regardless of a woman's individual path, the Seeker has the potential to foster a profound and sweeping life transformation -- in attitudes, in career, in love, in hobbies, on all fronts.
The following is an excerpt from the book The Breaking Point by Sue Shellenbarger
Published by Henry Holt
The Modes of Midlife Crisis
Each woman's midlife crisis unfolds along a distinct trajectory, at varying speeds, and with unique ups and downs. If archetypes are the direction-setting compass for midlife crises, then modes are the laws of physics governing how they unfold. The women in my study experienced six major modes of transition:
Sonic Boom. This kind of midlife crisis erupts with seismic force and speedily tears apart old relationships, habits, and commitments. Like the aviation phenomenon that lends it its name, a Sonic Boom shakes a woman's world as she breaks through old barriers, then propels her to a new, more energetic plane. The Sonic Boom crisis is the type most often noticed -- and satirized -- in our culture because it produces behavior out of character with a woman's previous facade, or persona.
Moderate. A woman in this mode transforms her life in a slower, more restrained way. A Moderate crisis entails less conflict and destruction than other models. It allows integration of repressed passions into a woman's personality piece by piece, step by step, without dynamiting her life. This mode eliminates the need for a blowup and may be the healthiest model of all.
Slow Burn. Reluctant to act upon her deepest passions, a woman in this mode "trades down" to more socially acceptable outlets. She resists radical cures, such as embarking on a new career or climbing the Himalayas. Instead, she funnels her energies into smaller or more timid changes. The difference between a Moderate crisis and a Slow Bum is that in the latter, a woman does not honestly address her needs. Instead, she at least partly represses them out of fear. The Slow Burn avoids startling others or doing violence to existing relationships. But it also risks choking off a woman's full potential.
Flameout. In a pattern that can be tragic, a woman in Flameout mode seizes a new life or love only to lose courage midstream and attempt a retreat. Often it is too late; the damage is done, and she has lost a marriage or other valued aspects of life worth keeping. Fear is a driving emotion in a Flameout crisis, causing a woman to make panicky or foolish moves she lacks the skills or self-knowledge to carry out. Her midlife crisis is essentially stillborn, leaving her stuck far short of her potential.
Meltdown. This mode is marked by out-of-control emotion. It generates so much heat and passion that, as in a Flameout, a woman rockets into a new marriage, career, or other endeavor too fast. She may be too eager to ease her pain or too slow to look inside herself for the roots of her problems. Later, she realizes she has repeated the mistakes of the past, unconsciously picking a new partner, career, or other pursuit that is just like the one(s) she threw overboard. Unlike a Flameout crisis, however, a woman in Meltdown eventually makes significant progress toward overhauling her life, albeit on a halting and emotionally messy path.
The Non-Starter. Like Shakespeare's tragic hero Hamlet, the Non-Starter is afraid to act. She becomes mired in indecision about whether "to be or not to be" -- to heed her inner voices and "suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune," or to die a psychic death by renouncing them. The Non-Starter does not bring her midlife crisis to fruition at all, but remains trapped in the inaugural stages of despair and discouragement. Her hesitancy dooms her to stagnation; her inability to act becomes an obstacle to decisiveness and growth. Thus midlife opportunities pass her by.
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