OnlineHost: FridayTalk has entered the room.
Dearest: It is with great pleasure that I introduce you to
my guest tonight in Power Surge, best-selling
author and media personality, NANCY FRIDAY
(appearing before you as "FridayTalk").
As most of you know, Ms. Friday has authored
seven books on the relationships between
men and women, and within the family. Her
books have sold more than 8.5 million copies:
My Secret Garden..
Forbidden Flowers...
My Mother, Myself...
Men In Love...
Jealousy...
Women On Top...
and her most recent book,
"The Power Of Beauty," published this year by
HarperCollins.
The Power Of Beauty deals with the dynamics
of physical appearance and the power it
wields, even in today's intellectually
enlightened society. The POB is the result of
ten years of research.
In Power Surge, some of us may feel our own
beauty waning as we trek through the process
of menopause - at least, according to *our*
definition of "beauty."
The focus of tonight's Q & A session with
Nancy Friday is not on the medical aspects
of menopause but, rather, on our concerns
about the psychological dynamics associated
with beauty and appearance, especially at
this volatile time in our lives. Kindly reserve
the usual medical questions about menopause
for future Power Surge chats, so we can take
advantage of Nancy's expertise. Thanks :)
Dearest: Without further ado, let's begin the Q & A
session with Nancy Friday.
Dearest: Nancy, would it okay if we address you by your
first name? We're all friends here in Power
Surge :) Also, would you like to say a few
words before we begin the Q & A session?
Dearest: Everyone, please observe protocol.
FridayTalk: Absolutely- call me Nancy! ...
Dearest: Great! Hiya, Nancy :) Everyone, say hi to Nancy!
WLVJean: howdy
Nancy2Nyc: Hi Nancy
SGETT: Welcome Nancy!!
Palla96: hiya Nancy
L7672: Hi Nancy..
JUDITH LEE: HI!
PZukow: Hi Nancy..thanks for being here
LERLAU: Hi Nancy
LPooler: Hi
Tempo88: Hi Nancy
Mettaphor: Hi Nancy!
B flyfish1: HI NANCY
JNastor386: Hi NANCY
Vickisells: Hi Nancy
LQ425: Hi Nancy :)
WLV Nita: Welcome Nancy.
WINDOCK1: Hi there, Nancy.
FridayTalk:
I would like to say that...
I consider the last chapter of POB...
which is about women and aging...
to be the most important.
Dearest: Thanks, Nancy - it's wonderful to have you here tonight...
let's begin the Q & A Session...
Postrain: How do we build self esteem during this time? ga
FridayTalk: We begin by having built it...
long before menopause...
which can be a great time...
for regaining parts of ourselves we left behind. GA
WLVJean: During your research, did you find that women worry more
about physical aging than men do?/ga
FridayTalk: Absolutely yes...
Think of money in the bank...
that is how many men think of aging...
the longer they work, the richer they are...
the more powerful they are
we are accustomed...
to seeing very old men...
rich old men,
with very young women.
We understand the deal.
I believe that women today are beginning to age
in that same way if they choose to.
We don't need to choose a young man...
necessairly, but it is we, ourselves
who must see ourselves as vibrant
and sexual and the rest of the world
will see us that way too. GA
Dearest: Thank you, Nancy, for a wonderful answer :)
LERLAU: what inspired you to write this book? GA
FridayTalk: I have always been aware,
form the time I was a little girl...
of the power that women's beauty had over other people
When feminism began in the 70's
and beauty was thrown out...
and then returned in the 80:s...
I thought WOW
these are going to be fascinating times,
watching women
use their new political and economic power...
Dearest: Nancy, there are many successful women who are
also physically beautiful, but their beauty is
often more a liability than an asset. Do you suggest
they deny their beauty? Play it to the hilt?
How does one deal with this? GA
FridayTalk: What powerful women have to understand....
is that being women we begin life powerful...
We raise the human race...
If in addition to that we have economic or beauty power
we arouse a great deal of envy in others,
both women and men.
So yes, sometimes it is good to cool it, but if you
have the balls, by all means play it to the hilt.
then we arouse a great deal of envy GA
Dearest: Thanks, Nancy.... Sstot, go ahead.
SStot: I'm a big fan. Do you hear from more women wanting
or not wanting sex during/after meno? GA
FridayTalk: I would hesitate to answer that...
because I haven't asked women directly
but I would venture...that just as women expect
more of everything in life today, they expect to
have sex as long as they want. GA
PZukow: True beauty comes from within and radiates externally
GA
FridayTalk: I think that is far more true...
than the old line that
beauty if in the eye of the
beholder. In fact,
both are true...
But if a plain woman has a wonderful opinion of
herself and openness to those around her...
especially today when people are so
hungry for contact...
she will have all the friends she...
desires.
The key is...
we must honestly look in the mirror...
or in the window we are passing on the street...
and like that person we see. GA
Postrain: Will Americans ever think women over 50 are
physically beautiful? ga
FridayTalk: My husband just said loudly...I do.
I think it will not change in our country...
until women carry into what I call the...
third act of our lives...
everything we have learned...
about ourselves...
and about others...
We have numbers on our side today.
Women must stop the intrawomen bitching..
at one another.
Must stop knocking off the other woman...
because she's with a younger man...
or has had some surgery...
and take her as a benchmark, a model
instead.
I'm not saying you have to have surgery,
just give her credit...
for making her own decisions. GA
Dearest: Wonderful, Nancy.. thank you. Moss, go ahead :)
LMossholde: According to your research..Who is the most
critical of women's appearance, the woman herself,
other women, or men? GA
Dearest: Excellent question, Moss :)
FridayTalk: It begins so early... in the nursery,
within the family... That it is often difficult
to know where the seed was planted
as regards our opinion of our looks.
If your mother didn't love the way
you looked, or if you were plain,
and had a beautiful sister or brother...
all these things factor in...
to how you feel about your looks today. GA
Zmbz: What holds women back from working together to be
politically powerful, and what can each of us do?
FridayTalk: Again, I think this answer goes back...
to our earliest ties to other women...
It is why every book I have written
begins in the earliest relationship
with our parents and our siblings.
There is a saying among mothers that three
little girls can't play together.
Two always gang up and leave the third out.
This kind of behavior is the kind that must change...
because it continues throughout our lives. GA
Prncssjd: What is the most striking/surprising finding of
your research from which your current book is based? ga
FridayTalk: I think the most powerful...
finding for me... was my conviction that men...
getting more and more into the mirror-
meaning into looking good...
is going to change not just the man woman relationship...
but also the role of beauty within the home
and the workplace. Men will handle
beauty's power differently than we do. GA
Dearest: Nancy, what do you think has/will surprise the
reader most about your newest book, "The Power Of Beauty?" GA
FridayTalk: I think...that the realization...
that our feelings about our looks...
and about aging begin at the bery beginning...
again in the nursery opposite mother...
father, siblings. I can not emphasize enough how much
I would encourage all of you to go back...
and think about yourself..
just prior to the advent of adolescense.
You were not interested in sexual beauty then...
You probably judged yourself...
by athletic prowess...
intellect... leadership...
Our job is to find that girl now.
Reclaim her and become the best part of her. GA
Dearest: Lovely.. I'm almost mesmerized by your answers, Nancy :)
FBriggs113: I once was a nurse and then for a nurses' union so
worked primarily with other women....
and have been occassionally surprised by the
phenonema of other women being jealous....
and engaging in what I have heard referred to as
horizontal violence.... that is
being ungenerous to peer who strive to do better.
I have found this to be most depressing - I wonder
if you have any comments on this GA
FridayTalk: Competition between women...
is one of the great themes...
of the POB
We were not raised to compete in a healthy
way. And so we compete...
and deny that we are doing that.
We love our best women friends...
but when they get past us,
we envy them, we are...
jealous of them
Remember, the first suspect in a murder
is always someone in the family.
Love and rage know each other well. GA
Postrain: If you could "prescribe" a "day of beauty" for any
of us, what would that day entail? ga
FridayTalk: How to feel good about ourselves.
When we have a good opinion of ourselves...
the lines of tension in our faces... dissappear.
FridayTalk: The look of anxiety...
is the look women hate most.
If women could, as I said above,
find that admirable girl...
that we were...
prior to the competition over sexual beauty...
that moment would become our day of beauty.
Women haven't yet realized...
that the Patriarchal Deal is finished...
meaning...
we have other things to trade...
for the friends, lovers, that we want
in our life. GA
Dearest: WLVJean, go ahead, please :)
WLVJean: is there any difference in the way European
Americans and African american women see the
issues of aging and beauty?.ga
FridayTalk: I would say...
from the little I know about this...
but simply from observation...
that African American women
believe more and rely more
on the early Matriarchy
on which they are raised
I'm not saying envy does not exist there.
But that...these women have had to rely on one
another to survive GA
Zmbz: Please talk about your interpretation of mass
media's impact on young women and girls. ga
FridayTalk: Oy vay...It is so enormous...
and so endorsed by society...
and the economic engine...
that runs that society...
that it must be torture...
to grow up female...
in this age of what I call
THE EMPTY PACKAGE
By which I mean,
we value people...
for their surface appearance...
and care so very little...
for the good, kind... generous...
person who is inside that package. GA
LMossholde: As the young girl you were talking about above,
I was athletic, leader, etc...But mother wanted a ..
young lady Lady= pretty, quiet etc. How do you..
handle this mixed message? GA
FridayTalk: You must go back and accept the
importance of your mother's expectations,
the importance it has had on your life...
I'm not saying blame your mother
which is a total waste of time...
but our mother's expectations...
all of us... shaped our lives...
Until you accept her...
accept you probably still love her...
you will not have that space...
in which to live up to your own expectations...
of yourself.
I can assure you...
your mother would deny today
that she had those expectations
especially if you have made
something of a success of your life. GA
LMossholde: Thanks nancy your answer was wonderful...
tears in eyes.
Dearest: Nancy, why is it that competition, jealousy and envy
is so *ugly* among some professional women? GA
FridayTalk: Because we do not admit... by name...
what we are felling... Nice Girls...
aren't competitive.. Nice Girls aren't envious.
Surely, you have heard women say...
"Who me?"
"Jealous? Oh no she's my best friend" GA
FBriggs113: How do we learn to compete in a healthy way at
our age that allows us to be supportive? This is
an extension of Dearest's question in part? ga
FridayTalk: It is never too late...
to be competitive in a healthy way
Athletic coaches today...
have a very difficult time...
teaching young women athletes...
to play the game flat out...
These girls are afraid...
that their best friends will hate them...
if they beat them...
that is learned behavior.
We have to raise a new generation of women...
who are taught to win, or to lose...
and then to shake hands...
in the full knowlege that tomorrow they might win.
FridayTalk:
Modern feminism...
as good as it has been in many ways...
still dictates that women
"will not be competitive"
How can we be in the workplace
and not compete? GA
Dearest: Thank you, Nancy.. excellent answers....
RMA123: Are you saying we should of stayed the girls we
were instead of the women we are? GA
FridayTalk: No. What I am saying...
is that we should have carried... into adolescence
our bravery, our speech, our intellect,
and the ease with which we looked
in the mirror.
FridayTalk: We abandoned...
our best selves back then...
because we thought boys didn't want
a walking dictionary
as she was called in my school
Those were patriarchal days
FridayTalk: These days belong to us women
We must shape them...
and we must include men in that design...
or we will regret it. GA
Postrain: I have been burned by women co-workers' jealously
of my work and the games they play. How do you
shake hands with people you don't trust? ga
FridayTalk: In my opinion... you call them
on what they are feeling towards you...
and if they can't handle...
your frankness...
you simply walk away from the.
I'm not encouraging "Nice Girldom"
Nice girls used to bury all their
true feelings... and smile that dreadful...
frozen smile. GA
CAJASS: My daughter, 10, has the body of a 15 yr old.
She's very self-conscious, she was once so
confident i now see it slipping away. How do
I help? ga
FridayTalk: Talk to her! Be as honest as well as loving
as you can be. Explain to her why other girls
may be feeling envious of her
Explain envy to her
It is so important for
young girls to understand envy.
It is important...
for girls/women...
to understand the duality...
of our emotions...
it is possible to envy someone
and still ovem them.
You must do everything you can,
being as honest as you can be with her,
because she knows how you really feel
and let her know that she can talk to you
about these things.
FridayTalk: She is going though
the hardest time of a girl's life.
surrendering her real self...
to become... a beautiful girl that a boy will
choose. Tell she doesn't have to!
But tell her why
Give her "My Mother Myself" to read
It will open the conversation between you. GA
PNelson4: Thanks. I have a younger daughter, she lives at
a distance and will not communicate.
She has returned my mail. I would like to know
that she is doing well. She is married.
She is 36, and at one time, we had a good
relationship. Can you suggest any way that
I can at least have a minimum of contact?
FridayTalk: I am no sooth sayer. But I would imagine...
that she will simply have to contact
you when she's ready. Maybe it isn't you..
that has caused the breach...
maybe she simply needs to resolve
something on her own - all by herself.
FridayTalk: Somehow... just let her know...
you are waiting for her to make the first
move and that you love her...
and will never judge her. GA
PNelson4: Thank you. Wonderful answer. But my heart
still aches.
Dearest: Wonderful answer, Nancy.. thank you. Sorry for
your sadness, PN :(
Zmbz: My mother died when I was ten. What other kinds
of effects come from this? there was no
other support ga
FridayTalk: All I can say s that...
I grew up without a father...
I was told he was dead.
One day when I was twenty,
a lawyer telephoned...
to say that he had died.
and left me certain things.
FridayTalk: I suppose I'm saying this...
because the life I made without my father,
who I have missed so badly I can not describe...
is a life that I am proud of...
I think I am "a Daddy's girl"...
and I didn't even have one.
Dearest: (sigh)
CAJASS: how sad :(
Zmbz: Thank you. How difficult. You make me cry too.
I guess my mother would be proud of me.
FridayTalk: This isn't much of an answer
but is is all I can offer. GA
Dearest: Thank you for sharing that, Nancy....
Dearest: Let me ask you this...Don't you think a great deal of
our successes, failures, and thinking in general, have a lot to
do with "attitude".. and not how beautiful or ugly we are?
Or even how ambitious? GA
FridayTalk: Absolutely! For instance...
if you were "seen" within your family
and the way you experienced
this image of yourself...
in your parent's eyes...
was positive...
it was the most incredible energy to grow on...
we don't need to be seen as beautiful...
simply "good enough" and of course...
FridayTalk: it's the love that matters.
That kind of person grows up satisfied...
with what she sees in the mirror.
because the gift has been...
internalized. GA
dearest: Nancy, you're better than a shrink! :)
LMossholde: <===has tears in eyes.
WLV Nita: Besides being a role model myself, how do I help my
two young, adult daughters become someday older
women who accept themselves for what they have
accomplished in life and not what
society sees older women as? GA
FridayTalk: By being the best model
for them as you can be
You are the older woman.
Also, introduce them...
to women you admire who are older.
Tell them why you admire these women
If you can, allow them to see...
admirable older women...
moving through life effecting...
other people
FridayTalk: Let them see...
these older women's power
and they will believe.
Everybody. All women...
would love to believe...
that life goes on and on...
Only in seeing that in other women...
will they take that optimism..
as something they can believe in,
put their weight on, imitate. GA
Syrndipity: How many generations do you think it will take
before we see all these positive changes take hold
that you speak of ? Ga
FridayTalk: I would like to say... The more we believe...
in this kind of optimistic...
but realistic...
thinking, the quicker it will happen.
FridayTalk: That may sound like Pollyanna
but today, we have speech
we have some political and economic
clout and we only have to ..
solve some of the...
old intrawomen...
problems that exist...
and we will become an
invincible army.
FridayTalk: Feminism has placed too much blame...
on men for too long.
Many of our problems...
lie within Women's World
There is nothing wrong or shameful...
in admitting it.
The only wrong thing is denying
that we women...
are at least in some part respondsible.
for where we are today.
How can we change our lives...
until we admit that maybe...
just maybe...
we too have made...
some mistakes. GA
Dearest: Wonderful again, Nancy. Palla, go ahead, please :)
FridayTalk: Dearest???
Dearest: Yes, Nancy?
FridayTalk: I have to go in a few minutes.
Dearest: Of course, Nancy....
Palla96: What do you see as current Sexual/Feminist
movement goals? You find they clash? Why? GA
Dearest: Let's just answer this last question, ok?
FridayTalk: One last answer...
because it is so important.
There have been differences within feminism...
for a long time...
beginning with the sexual revolution.
But let me skip ahead to today
Young women, in their 20's for instance
are reluctant to call themselves
feminists today
What they say is they love
sex, they love men...
enjoy looking good...
and they can't see a place for themselves...
within the word or the group
called feminism.
FridayTalk: I think what we need is to sit down
and have a semantic talk.
Women's World is being
divided by this one word
which means something different
to every woman
It is so very important.
FridayTalk: I have to go now
but I want to say how very moved...
no not moved... excited I have been by our
conversation
FridayTalk: You are a wonderful group.
Dearest: Nancy, thanks so very much for taking the
time to join us in Power Surge tonight, and
fielding all our questions about "The Power Of
Beauty," and the issues surrounding it. We all
hope you'll come back again very soon, and
want to wish you and yours a very Happy and
Healthy Thanksgiving :)
FridayTalk: Sweet dreams Dearest : ) Good night everyone!
Dearest: Thank you, Nancy.. so very much!!!
Dearest: You were wonderful!!! (who'd have expected otherwise)
LMossholde: Your answers were absolutely wonderful Nancy.
Helped me with some issues I have had for years.
CAJASS: g'nite nancy
Postrain: Thank you Nancy for a great evening.
Syrndipity: Thanks Nancy, Happy Thanksgiving!
LMossholde: Thanks You
Palla96: Thank you Nancy!
WLVJean: Thanks for your visit
WLVJean: It's been very stimulating
Postrain: {{{{Dearest}}}}
MsLizzieB: I missed the beginning tonight--by the Power of Beauty, does
Nancy mean power of women?
PNelson4: Thank you
CAJASS: clap clap
Syrndipity: Take a bow Dearest :):)
D Wintrode: thank you dearest.
LMossholde: It was comforting having a guest that made you think..and
not worry about "carrot" juice
Dearest: A log of this chat will be available in the Power Surge
Reading Room's library.
Postrain: It will be interesting to compare this new book with others
Nancy has written.
Palla96: Nite all, special thanks Dearest for another great
enlightenment :)
Maya Moon: Good night Surgettes- talk on Wednesday.
OnlineHost: FridayTalk has left the room.
Dearest: Night, everyone. Thanks for coming :)
End of Nancy Friday's First Visit To Power Surge
Dearest
aka Alice Stamm
Power Surge
Founder, Host, Facilitator
Power Surge
E-mail Dearest
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