Power Surge Conference
January 26, 1997
Host: Dearest
Guest: Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.

Order Barbara Deangelis' Newest Book

OnlineHost:     BarbaraDeA has entered the room.
BarbaraDeA:     Hello

Dearest: Hi there, Barbara :)
Jcdcbubba:      standing ovation for Barbara
Z J Gragg:      Hi, Barbara!
ArtMom3:        Hello Barbara!!!
CoalaT53:       Hi Barbara
ELLIOTT53:      hi barbara
FBriggs113:     Welcome Barbara
WLVJean:        we can only pack 47 in here... suck in your stomachs, everyone!
MARCEY B:       Ditto Jcdc - I'm so excited
TriciaToYu:     welcome Barbara
LMossholde:     Yes Post... It will be hectic keeping queue
Lori4hlth:      It's great to have you Barbara!
Nancy2Nyc:      Greetings BArbara
CAT 948:        Glad you're here Barbara
Postrain:       Hi Barbara
Sue Lacy:       Hi Barbara
TrmcBlade4:     barbara HIIIIIIIIIIII!!!
Roverrrr:       Nice to meet you Barbara.....

Dearest:     May I ask you to refrain from typing at this time, so that I might 
introduce our guest :)   Thanks :)

Dearest:	Internationally recognized as one of the foremost authorities on 
human relations and personal growth, it is my pleasure to introduce
you to our guest in Power Surge tonight,
	.............. BARBARA DE ANGELIS................
Well known for her award-winning television	infomercial, "Making Love 
Work," Barbara has also hosted her own daily TV show for CBS-TV, her 
own radio talk show in L.A. and appeared weekly for two years on CNN
as their Newsnight Relationship Expert. Barbara has been a frequent 
guest on Oprah, Leeza, Donahue and Geraldo, and has been a
regular contributor to Entertainment Tonight and Eyewitness News 
in L.A.
Barbara has authored 5 consecutive national	best-sellers including two 
New York Times blockbusters, Are You The One For Me?" and 	and 
"Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know." We're especially 
honored that Barbara has agreed to join us having just today returned 
from the first lap of her whirlwind book tour for her newest book.......
  'Ask Barbara : The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, 
Sex, and Relationship"  published by Delacorte Press.
The focus of tonight's Q & A session with Barbara De Angelis will be on our 
interpersonal relationships, and not on the medical aspects of menopause. 
Kindly reserve your questions about menopause for future Power Surge 
chats, so we can take advantage of Barbara's expertise. Thanks :)

Dearest:	Barbara, one of the many questions in your new book is 
probably the one on many of our participants minds tonight:  "Is it natural 
for passion to disappear after years of marriage?"  For those who haven't 
yet bought your book, could we begin our Q & A session by addressing the 
issue of keeping love alive at a time in life when our relationships are 
taxed to the max? 	Thanks, and welcome to Power Surge :)

BarbaraDeA:	Hi everybody.  Its' great to be here and bond on the internet.
		Whether it's mid life or early life, the concept and the skills are 
exactly the same and that is passion disappears when we make several common 
but deadly mistakes in our relationships.  First:  when we ignore problems and 
don't talk about the things we need to, pretend everything is "fine" and don't ask 
for what we want, we end up building emotional walls that we may be unaware 
of between ourselves and our partner.  
		Lack of passion comes from neglect just like having a heart 
attack is not an inevitable part of getting old comes from not taking care of 
yourself.  So if you have not taken care of a relationship, the passion is going to 
be the first thing to go.  And even more so, it you are good at stuffing your anger 
as so many of us are good at, as women, you end up becomming  emotionally 
numb and there goes your sex life.  

Dearest:	FB, go ahead.

FBriggs113:	With my true love (my spouse) I find that he often knows what I 
am thinking and vice versa. I am wondering if this is a normal part of a relationship 
which is not young, or if it is a special connection that sometimes we have with 
another.  This is not occasional.

BarbaraDeA:	If you want me to tell you how special it is that your found 
your true soul mate I will, but it sounds to me that you already know it.  

Lori4hlth:	I have been married for 24yrs. The last 19 we've been very
compatible & had alot of fun butfor the last year we have started to bicker and 
even had nasty fights - whats wrong?

BarbaraDeA:	If you're honest with yourself, you;'ll know what's wrong.  This
is one of my top 100 questions in "Ask Barbara - what are we fighting about?
And the answer is, "we're never fighting for the reasons we think we are"  Your 
conflicts are not truly about who forgot to feed the dog.... or put down the toilet 
seat.... they are about not feeling loved or understood.... resentments you haven't 
talked about or healed... or personal issues you are each dealing with that are 
"leaking" into your relationship.  You and your partner need to sit down.... and 
talk about the fact that you don't like what is happening.... and be willing to do 
some honest soul seaching together....DON'T IGNORE THIS WARNING SIGN -- 

Dearest:	Barbara, what if our partner won't talk?  Isn't a communicator? 

BarbaraDeA:	How long have you been together?

Dearest:	A fairly new relationship.  A workaholic.

BarbaraDeA:	(Chuckle) WARNING WARNING WARNING......

Dearest:	Yes.. yes yes

BarbaraDeA:	a relationship has nothing to do with going to the movies or
concerts.... or even sleeping together..... If he won't talk, what's the point?   
There is no true communication I mean there is no true relationship with 
commuication.... You're settling for less and he's probably too old to change....
I suggest you rethink your choice.  SORRY

Dearest:	Thanks, Barbara.. but it was just a hypothetical question.
Dearest:	Gigi, go ahead.

GiGiFillie:	Hard to rekindle that fire - Won't talk - is there other fuel out 
there? Help for saving 30 yrs? 

BarbaraDeA:	See above.  A partner who won't talk is like a car that does not
run.  It doesn't work.

Dearest:	Calon, go ahead, please :)

Calantmind:	How would you suggest starting to ask for what you want now 
after almost 30 years.

BarbaraDeA:	Just start.....
		One of the problems we have as women is we are soooooo....
careful and tip toe around our men....... which is a big mistake.  You might
try writing him a letter so he can be "shocked" in private.... or sitting down with 
him as frankly as you would with a girlfriend and put the question to him.... I 
have not asked for what I have wanted all these years.. What should I do?  
and see what he says.  If he really loves you.... he'll make an effort to get to 
know the "new" you, but remember:  you are the one who has held your true 
self back for whatever reason, so he is not responsible for that.  And it will take 
some time to get used to this change in your dynamic, so be compassionate.  

Dearest:	Jean, please go ahead :)

WLVJean:	Is there any way to get a guy to talk .. communicate?  Do you
find any particular books on the topic that they will read and accept? (And 
ACT on?)

BarbaraDeA:	It's not your job to teach him how to talk...  It's his job to learn....
if he even wants to.... If he wants to and says he needs help, a good 1st step 
would be therapy or a mens group because the deeper reasons he's not talking 
are what he needs to face.  After all I'm sure he can talk in life or he wouldn't be 
functional.  He just can't talk about intimate things.  

Dearest:	Thank you, Barbara.. great answers......
Dearest:	Post, please go ahead :)

Postrain:	Hubby is supportive, but all these (menopause) symptoms may 
test that.  How can I maintain support? 
BarbaraDeA:	You cannot maintain his support.  He has to maintain his support
by educating himself and remembering that he married you for better or worse
and it sound like you are saying this is the worse.  Stress on a marriage during 
menopause will only create real problems if there are already underlying 
problems that you have not been paying attention to.

Dearest:	Mardi, go ahead, please :)

Mardi44:	In rather new (6 months) relationship. He's totally scared of
committment. Twice divorced.  Is there anything I can say or do to convince him 
nothing to fear with me?  

BarbaraDeA:	Sure there is something to fear with you.... just as you should 
have something to fear with him... love is very scarey because it makes you 
vulnerable... and a relationship requires tremendous emotional courage... 
You're probably scaring him even more by acting like there is nothing to be 
scared of.  Try telling him the things you are afraid of also so  he can feel that 
you understand him and out of that the trust will slowly grow.

Dearest:	Excellent answer, Barbara.. thank you :)  MVM, go ahead :)

MVMeckel: How can a couple initiate negotiation and avoid sliding 
into conflict??

BarbaraDeA:	Am I hearing correctly that you both become stubborn and get
into power struggles?

MVMeckel:	Yes, and perhaps this is addictive in itself??

BarbaraDeA:	You're right.  Some people love the drama, tension that comes 
from combat in a relationship.  Although this is a very toxic habit.  My belief is 
that you cannot change a behavior until you understand and heal it's underlying 
cause.  So the real question is?  why do you both feel such a need to be right?  
And why does compromise feel like losing?

MVMeckel:	Indeed--but some of us have a pattern?? Hypothetical

BarbaraDeA:	This may go back to having grown up with a dominant, 
controlling parent.  And you are acting out some old fear and resentment.  
Read my books/lots of hints for you in there.  

Dearest:	Wonderful answers, Barbara.... thanks..... Rover, to ahead,
		please :)

Roverrrr:	We're empty nesters after 25 yrs....its like being on honeymoon 
again..it has stoked the fires of passion.......

Dearest:	Waiting for Rover's question to be answered.

BarbaraDeA:	what is the question

Roverrrr:	NOt a ? but a comment.....

Dearest:	Ok. thanks :)  ZJ, go ahead :)

Z J Gragg:	My husband of 20 yrs. & I get along pretty well as long as one 
of us is "up" but when we are both "down" we have such different needs.  He
likes to be left alone when down and I like to be close.  We've talked about it, 
but can't seem to resolve.  Any thoughts? 

Dearest:	Gals, please try to keep your questions as brief as possible :)
                        Thanks so much. :)

BarbaraDeA:	Nothing is wrong with what either of you want.  Your mistake is 
expecting him to give you what you need rather than finding another way of 
getting it.  You need to create some personal rituals for yourself that help tune 
you back in to your own source of love or have friends you can reach out to.  
Or any method of getting you back on center.  Expecting him to make you happy 
all the time is an ideal way to sabotage yourself.  I know, I've been there and that's 
why having a husband is not going to fill you 100% of the time.  

Dearest:	Tnk, go ahead.

TnkPositiv:	What would make a woman (my sister) cling to men that are 
cruel and ones she feels, that she can change them....and all will be happy..yet 
she is 35 and miserable?

BarbaraDeA:	Please please buy "Ask Barbara" immediately or read her 
question #15, 16 and 21 which describe her perfectly.  Answers too long to give 
her, but she won't be able to run from the truth anymore when she reads them.  

TnkPositiv:	thanks!

Dearest:	FB, go ahead.
FBriggs113:	Some women  have trouble disclosing their inner-most feelings...
 even needs - any suggestions for how to go about it? 

BarbaraDeA:	Again, before you figure out the how, you have to understand 
the why.  Truthfully, to disclose a need takes ten seconds.  You could do it right
now by just saying, I need you to tell me i'm beautiful or whatever.  So it's not 
like you can't do it.  Its that you are not doing it.  Probably because you're afraid 
of rejection.  You were taught that to ask is selfish or you are prejudging your 
needs and disqualifying them.  You need to do some inner work so you can give
that little girl the voice she deserves.  

Dearest:	Barbara, in my experience, part of "loving" is allowing oneself to 
be vulnerable.... I'm curious, but.... which do you think has more trouble with 
that?   Men or women?  

BarbaraDeA:	I don't like stereotyping the sexes.  For every man who is shut
down there is a woman who is cold and protected.  If we try to relate more to 
the person deep within everyone  We would all be much better of.   

Dearest:	Thank you :)  Mardi, your turn :)

Mardi44:	What do you think of John Gray's "Men from Mars, Women 
from Venus" philosophy?

BarbaraDeA:	Does anyone listening know that I was married to him 20 years
ago.  LOL
		Needless to say we're divorced.  Does that answer your 
question?  I'm from earth. 

Mardi44:	really?
Dearest:	To John Gray?
BarbaraDeA:	yes
Mardi44:	for true?ga
Dearest:	Wow.. we could have had both of you and called the chat....
Dearest:	Ask men 100 questions about mars!
Ofra 1:        	oy vey
Dearest:   	:)
BarbaraDeA:	Or it would be more accurate to call it, "Mars Attacks."
WLV Cinda:	LOL
Dearest:   	Oops!  LOL
Syrndipity:	Hehehehe!
Mardi44:   	in shock!!!

Dearest:	Blazer, your turn :)

Blazerbarb:	I just wanted to say that I loved your book real moments. I think
of it every day.  How do you forgive past hurts such as being lied to etc.?

BarbaraDeA:	Thank you for the compliment about real moments.  It is one of
my favorite books that I have written.  Are you referring to an affair?

Blazerbarb:	no just whether or not he really loved me?

BarbaraDeA:	Are you divorced?

Blazerbarb:	no married 14 yrs he had a female soul mate friend.

BarbaraDeA:	This is getting complicated.  I really suggest you get  "Ask 
Barbara" and read the questions about flirting, friendships, emotional affairs and 
dishonesty.  I think the answers will help you and i wish you all the best.  

Blazerbarb:	thank you im looking fortward to it

Dearest:	Thanks, Moss.... Dob, go ahead with your question :)

Dob107:	mid 40's, married 25 yr, seem to have this restlessness about my
life, like to be around diff. people with diff interests, seems hub and I are drifting 
apart and I don't seem to care.  I really think he is oblivious to my feelings.  Is
this common?  

BarbaraDeA:	The question is not if it is common.  It is happening to you and
that is what you should care about.  There is alot going on here.  You sound 
pissed off though you may not show it in obvious ways.

Dob107:	yes, hidden anger

BarbaraDeA:	I suggest a deep reexamination of your marriage.  Which although
scarey has the potential to re-birth it to a whole new level of love.  

Dob107:	thanks 

Dearest:	Post, go ahead :)

Postrain:	Do your books deal with low self esteem and how to rebuild it,
especially during meno? 

BarbaraDeA:	All my books help with low self esteem, meno or not.  

Dearest:	Thanks, Barbara... Ally, go ahead :)

ALLYoooppp:	I was married at 20 (too young?) & 13 years later am not happy, 
& I find myself wishing i were single and I could date others - is this normal and 
will it work itslef out? 

BarbaraDeA:	Without sounding glib, there is a solution for that and it is called 
DIVORCE. That's the problem of getting married when you do not know who
you are.  Buy "Are you the one for me"  to really find out what you need and if 
you are compatible with each other.  

Dearest:	We'll complete the questions in the queue, gals.
Dearest:	Barbara has to leave shortly :)
Dearest:	Ofra, please make your comment :)

Ofra 1:	            !!! was to say: John Gray is a women hater, I burned his book. 

BarbaraDeA:	I wish John well however, when he says stuff like women are 
naturally more attracted to doing things like cleaning and cooking, I think he is 
talking about what he wished I would have done.  I don't know about you, but 
when I come home from work I don't think to myself, "I just can't wait to scrub 
that toilet spotless".
		Guess I must be from Mars.  I think a lot of men like that book 
because it makes them right and women like it because it gives them an excuse 
to not have to confront.  It makes things easy.  

Ofra 1:	            {{{{{{{{{{{Barbara}}}}}}}}}}}

Dearest:	Thank you for your contribution, Ofra ...Marcey, go ahead.

BarbaraDeA:	Thank you to everybody for being here.  
		Better than the Super Bowl ha ha LOL

Dearest:	Gals, I'm sorry.. but we're going to have to stop here :(
	Barbara has to go...
	Barbara, thanks for sharing this time
	with us in Power Surge tonight, and for so
	excellently fielding our questions about
	love, and how to keep it alive in our personal
	relationships at a time in life when it seems
	more difficult than usual :)

Dearest:	We hope you return to Power Surge again
	very soon, and wish you the best of luck with
	your new book, and with all future endeavors
	you may undertake :)

Dearest:	Let's all show our appreciation to Barbara
	for joining us tonight in Power Surge!
Dearest:	~~~~~~~ Barbara ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BarbaraDeA:	I'd like to leave you with a quote that ties in with some of your 
questions and to menopause "Out of every crisis, comes a chance to be reborn" ....
BarbaraDeA:	And isn't it nice to know we are not traveling alone.

Dearest:	Thanks, Barbara.. was such a pleasure having you join us tonight
                         in Power Surge :)

BarbaraDeA:	Love and Blessings to everybody.  

Dearest:	Same to you, Barbara :) 

WLV Cinda:	Thanks for being here Barbara
Syrndipity:	Thanks Barbara!!!!
Mardi44:	"Applause"
WLV Cinda:	{{{{{{Barbara}}}}}}}}  clap, clap, clap
LMossholde:	Great guest.. loved the comment about toilets.
Postrain:	Thanks Barbara
Redfencer:	thanks Barbara
Blazerbarb:	Thank you Barbara
Sue Lacy:	thank you Barbara
Syrndipity:	{S applause
SharonaR:	Thanks Barbara.  Love Real Moments
MARCEY B:	Thanks for coming
GET7339:	Thanks Barbara!!!!!!!
Mardi44:	please come back again, Barbara!!!
Lori4hlth:	That was wonderful Barbara!
Calantmind:	Thank you Barbra
ArtMom3:	Thank you Barbara
MBarr227:	THANKS
ALLYoooppp:	Thanks!!!
GiGiFillie:	Thanks so much
Z J Gragg:	Thank you!
Heyjuge:	enjoyed very much Barbara!!!!
Mettaphor:	Yeah, she was great! Fantastic chat tonight!
MBarr227:	Thanks for another great chat.
Sue Lacy:	thank you dearest....you're the best!
B jayi:	Thanks D for a great guest!  Nite all! 

OnlineHost:	BarbaraDeA has left the room.

Dearest:	Thanks to everyone for coming tonight and asking such great 
questions :) Power Surge will continue with free-form chat until 11 PM :)

Mettaphor:	Will this chat be available for downloading?  I didn't log

Dearest:	Yes, Metta... It will be in the Power Surge library on AOL, and in the
Transcript Library on the Web site at  Web site 

End of log of protocol chat with Barbara De Angelis, 1-26-97.

aka Alice Stamm
Power Surge
Founder, Host, Facilitator
E-mail Dearest

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